January

So today is the last day I will be posting in January since I only post while at work. This month has been a strange one. Lots of good things, lots of bad. Yesterday was the memorial service for Silas and Josh. It was pretty emotional, but not as bad as I expected. Well, not for me anyway. Mainly because of the ceremnial parts such as the multitude of hymns and choirs singing and the pastor talking for so long. Not that there is anythng wrong with that, but it just kind of took the emotion out of it for me. I didn't go to the burial, or internment I think they called it. I didn't feel like I needed to, but now I feel bad, I feel like I should have gone. Oh well, the past is the past. Thinking about the past, I used to really wish I could go back in time and change things. I have learned since then that is a silly waste of time and I don't bother with it anymore, but just going through some memories really filled me with regret. I know a lot of people say you should regret life, but there were a lot of instances where I could have treated people better. A lot better. I know that its behind me now and I need to simply learn all I can from it, but it still makes me sad that I didn't make as the positive influence I could have.

Heres to looking forward I guess. Never waste a minute. Always use it for the best. You never know when you might not have any minutes left.

More Dreams

Okay, so, even though I've had a less than enthusiastic response to previous dream postings, I will post yet again. The reason I am posting these is because I feel they are prophetic. Don't ask me why, there are just times when I feel like the dream I had was real in a sense and I've seen them come true before, though never in a literal sense. I've learned to listen to my spiritual senses when it comes to these dreams.


This dream occurred in three flashes. First part I don't remember. Second part: I was at some sort of school in the gym. There were a bunch of metal folding chairs set up and people sitting in them. Suddenly, a machine gun started firing. I heard someone say "They pointed it right at the Russians!". I looked to my right and I saw men in green clothing, looked almost like uniforms, getting shot. One in particular fell to the ground and continued to get holes punched in his head. Another from the group tried to protect him and was shot as well. All in all I saw four "Russians" get shot multiple times. The shooting stopped and I looked to the front of the crowd and saw a machine gun on a bi-pod break to pieces. The gun was out in the open and nobody did anything to stop it. It went on for about two minutes.

Flash three: I was at home, lying on the couch only the couch was along a different wall. A couple that I know was leaving our house and talking about their kids. The man said that his son (who appeared to be about four years old) had a personality disorder that came out in five different voices. My instant thought was demonic influence. The boy came up to me as they were leaving and put his lips right on mine. I tried to pull away because I didn't want anybody to think I was doing something to the boy. For some reason I couldn't pull away and as I struggled I woke up with a gasp.

I know they sound really weird, but I'm telling you, I know they mean something.

God is a good God

I have a memory, from about 7 years ago when, while working at my first job (McDonalds) I said that I wished I had more patience. My boss told me to be careful what I wished/prayed for because patience only comes through situations requiring patience. Aka, annoying, frustrating times. Since then I have always thought twice about asking God to give me more of certain virtues, basically the fruits of the spirit. I remember the song from VBS, "Love joy peace, patience kindness goodness grace, gentleness, and self control, this is the fruit of the spirit. I was thinking about it today and you know what? God is good. Every good and perfect gift comes from God. If we, being evil, desire good for our children, how much more will God, the only good being in existence, desire good for us? That is a paraphrase to be sure, but that is basically what it says. God has good things in mind for us. He wants to prosper us, not harm us. We should never be afraid to ask of God. We should never be worried about unintentional consequences. He Desires good for us and He is the all powerful God. That's not to say the devil doesn't mess things up now and then, but God is stronger than the devil and even when bad things happen, God will bring good out of them. Every time.

Father, please help me to grow in every one of those fruits. Help me to be more patient, kind and help me please please please to have more self-control. Thank you so much. I love you Papa :)

Josh

I remember your voice most of all. Always tinged with a laugh. I remember the way you liked to put a "y" at the end of everyones name: Timmy, Joely, even Ireney on extra silly days. You loved life and you loved having fun. Thanks you God that we got to spend 17 years with somebody so cheering and uplifting. Can't way to hear you say "welcome home Matty"

Silas

For a moment, try to think of the nicest person you know. Try to think of the one person in your life who gets along with absolutely everybody.
This is Silas. Was Silas I guess. I hadn't talked to him in a couple months, but I have many memories. He was always ready to laugh, always ready to find humor in life's frustrations, even when they were often pointed at him. I honestly have nothing but good memories. It is weird to think that he is gone. I know that he is having a rolicking good time. He is probably talking to Josh, though about what, I don't really know. I think the only thing holding his family together right now is the hope that Josh will come back. We are all praying and hoping and trusting the Almight God to save him. Well, I guess I shouldn't say save, because he is in the best place in the world, I should say give him back to us for some more time. I am just praying praying praying, but it is hard to hope after seeing him. After seeing the blank stare in his half open eyes. Thankfully, it is not up to me. It is in Papa's hands now, and Papa has perfect timing.

Silas, I miss you already, thanks for being my friend. I'll see you soon. Be sure you have a spot saved for me in front of the bigscreen to play some Starfox. I love you.

Lazy

Today I was lazy. I felt sleepy this morning so I didn't go to the gym. It wouldn't be so bad except that I don't pay for my gym membership. I am part of a deal that allows me to work 4 hours per week and earn a free family membership. I didn't work my hour today. I was lazy. I feel bad about it. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, I need to move on, but I still be bad. I hate being lazy. Bleh!

More Basketball

Last night we had our fifth regular season game. We started the season 0-3. Yuck! We even got beat by a team we should have walloped (we were up by 12 at one point) but ended up losing because we couldn't hold it together. Thursday was our fourth game. We only had 6 of our regular 11 in attendance. It went much better that way. Instead of changing guys in and out a bunch of times we kept more of a steady line-up playing. It was much easier to establish a rhythm that way. It was a close game and we ended up winning by four. Last night we had seven out of the regular eleven. Come to find out, one guy quit, another started swimming, and one might not show up to much due to work. One guy was out of town and no word on the last. We had a replacement for the quitter which was nice because it gave us more of a break. It was a hard fought game and just like the first time we played this particular team, there were way too many fouls. The score was close at first but we pulled away in the fourth quarter. As we went into the last couple minutes, my coach/manager/teammate told me that the plan was to pass the ball around a lot to avoid fouls and keep the clock running. "Try not to shoot it" he told me. Not a problem for me. I generally avoid shooting as much as I can because I am terrible at it. Coincidentally, the other team paid me no heed and I ended up getting the ball right under the hoop and scoring two baskets. Lay-ups I can do. It was a fun game and I hope we have the shortage of guys in the future. Call me selfish if you want, but I like getting to play more than a few minutes.

Papa, what do you look like?

Okay so, I have always had something in my mind that separated Jesus form God. There was just something there, not sure where it came from, though I have a few theories, I am not going to discuss them here. I always looked to Jesus for everything, which is okay, but the reason I did was because I was seeing a "good cop, bad cop" routine go though my head. That doesn't exist. Jesus is God. They are one. It says so right in the bible, check it out:



John 14:7-9
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7If you really knew me, you would know[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him."

8Philip said, "Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us."

9Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, 'Show us the Father'? 10Don't you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 11Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves.




Everything that Jesus said/did was the same thing as God saying/doing them. God wants us to just love everyone. God healed all those people. Okay so that's nice, but doesn't that then mean that only Jesus could heal people? Obviously not since the disciples did. Jesus was a man. Straight up. Not "God as man" but just a plain ordinary ol' man, except for one thing. He never sinned. At all, not once. He lived in right relationship with God. Well, I guess that leaves me out, I'm screwed cause I sin all the time (even though I hate it). Actually, there was that time Jesus was killed, you remember that? Yeah that means He gave you an easy button to get to God. Now I can live in right relationship with Him because I am pure and Holy. BLASPHEMER!

Not, its not through me or anything I did, its through the blood. Its not fair, its too easy, but I didn't make the rules. Oh and don't forget, after you hit the easy button, you still have to put the supplies away and then use them, its not the end of story.

Okay well that turned into something I totally didn't plan. Oh well, maybe someone needed to read it. My original point was, God is good. He really is and He really, really, really loves you sooooooo much.

Is it finally time?

Has there been one thing you have wanted to do for your whole life? For it its playing the drums. I have been a music lover for as long as I can remember. I love rhythm and getting down with my bad self. Honestly, I also love the action, you know, hitting stuff and making loud noise. Its just something I'm naturally good at :)

I had a set for a little while. It was the "old" set of a friend and he said I could use it to learn on. Well, that was going pretty good until I got married and moved into a studio apartment. Not exactly a lot of room for extras there. Since then we've lived with roommates or in our travel trailer so there has been no room. Well now we have a two bedroom place for ourselves. I have the room. After that I just had to figure out how to get the drums. I'm not what you'd call rich, well, in this day and age maybe just being able to pay all your bills (by the grace of Papa) makes you rich, and "slush" money is hard to come by. The Good Lord heard my prayers, the ones I didn't pray because that would selfish (silly me), and He gave me a set. Two actually. He is so amazing. I got a set from my beautiful sister Sarah for Christmas, then that Sunday a gal in church whom I've been helping with some stuff offered me another. There is always more than enough, right?

So now, I have the drums, I have the room for them, next is to learn. Well, before that I have to make them playable at my house. I live in a condominium and there are lots and lots of rules. Luckily there are other people in the world who have my same predicament. There is a product called "mutes" which is basically round rubber pads that go on the drums to make them quiet. That way you can still practice all the motions without making too much racket, and although this isn't my preferred style, its better than nothing. Much better. Okay, anyway, back to the topic at hand, learning. The nice thing about going to church is that you know lots of people. At my church we have upwards of 300 people in attendance on any given Sunday, and I know most of them. I'm a bit of a people person and I talk a lot. Two of my friends, Mo and Fred (yes that is their real names), both offered to help me right away. I know that I could also ask Cedar and Arby (yes again on the names, aren't they awesome?) for help if I needed it. God is so the best provider in the world. He takes care of us like a parent takes care of their little kid only He is a lot better at it, and a lot smarter, and He has infinite access to anything. At this point I could say that "my dad could beat your dad" but why would a guy beat himself?

All to say, I'm smiling on the inside right now. :) :D

Focusing on the Temporary Benefits

Have you ever noticed how some people thing temporary fixes will be really good for them? They (I'm included here all too often) See something that will make their problems go away, at least for a little while, but that's okay because when that runs out, they'll just find another. Its like grabbing a coal out of the fire because your hands are cold. Sure, it warms your hands up, but then it starts to burn them, and leaves them a lot worse off. The nice thing is when it starts to get too hot, you can drop it. Sadly, most quick fixes in life are more like napalm:

"Hey that looks nice and toasty, oh yeah warming right up. Oh wow, that's starting to get hot, oh wow, oh man! I can't get it off! Oh holy crap! I have no hands!"

By then its too late. The damage has been done. At least your hands are warm, lying there in a puddle of goo. It would have taken far too long to sit near the fire, a safe distance away, turning your hands back and forth to evenly increase the temperature of both sides. No, way too much work. I'll just take the easy road. I'll just take to road that looks like stairs, really, really big stairs. Sure it hurts when you hit the ground from 12 feet up, but hey, you got down quicker and easier.

Okay, nuff said, the temporary fix pisses me off.

Lets sing about sex!

Wham Bam Thank you Ma'am!
That's what they say when they get all done
No need to talk it out
Just be a man and do it son

Its okay to enjoy yourself
Its okay if it feels nice
Theres nothing wrong with letting go
Its not like you're gonna do it twice

One night on the town
One night back in bed
Theres no need to know her name
As long as she has a pretty head

Tell her what she wants to know
At least what she wants to hear
Get her high on booze and drugs
Get her drunk so she'll hold you near

"Come on baby, lets go home
Don't be loud the kids are sleeping
Its okay their moms out of town
Whats wrong, why are you wheeping?"

"You just want to be loved?
Well girl thats why I'm here
As long as you spread your legs
I'll lend you my slimy ears"

Can't you see what your doing?
Destroying lives without a care
Can't you see the pain you're causing?
When your hearts shredded you don't have a spare

But theres more going on than what you see
There is a reality beyond just "you and me"
Hearts are torn, fighting against themselves
Emotions are placed upon the shelf

They think that's what causes pain
But they don't know its useless shame
They could be fulfilled in an instant
The one who truly loves them is not so distant

If you want to feel loved, but not left behind
If you need to be taken care of, not taken advantage of
If life doesn't give you what you feel it should, you are looking in the wrong place

We were meant to have a living breathing awesome intense pleasurable amazing relationship with God and He wants to take care of our every need and desire. If life drags you down, if nothing is fulfilling, if disappointment is all you know, there is a place to turn. Don't worry about people, whether good, bad, or hypocritical, but give God a chance, He won't let you down.

A strange feeling

Ever felt like something was trying to climb its way out of your skull? I'm not talking about a headache. Sometimes it actually feels like there isn't enough room inside my head for whatever is rooming with my brain. Strange....

Freedom

This song is by a band called "Run Kid Run" and the song is called "Freedom". I like it very much. It pisses me off to no end when I fight and fight with something only to realize that hey, that fight was fought 2000 years ago and I don't have to fight it. The revelation is awesome and I feel so much freedom. After a while I go ahead and move on the the next pointless fight. So stupid.

Oh my chains, I can't disengage
I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise
The other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame

And I'm singing for freedom,
I know I'm not the only one praying to the One,
Who can bring me this freedom,
I'm ready for change, change, change, change

Looking down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay
I scream, Father please, I need rescuing
I need and you alone

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one praying to the one
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for, I'm ready for

Still You patiently await
Yet I won't just let go
I see You and You alone
Saying come, follow me
Dispair has come so You can see, release

So I'm singing for freedom
So I'm singing for freedom

The time has come-separation lost the war to love
Take my hand, grace is found, yeah where Your words begin,
You're alive, You're alive, in the waking of new life,
Take my hand, in the end there's only love, there's only love

There's only singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for, I'm ready for
Father please, I need rescuing
I need You and You alone

The Speeding Ticket

For the most part, I'm a good boy.
I obey the law. I do what I can to be a contributing member of society and ramain in good standing with justice. Latley however I've been a bit more relaxed. A bit more at ease. Well, with my speed anyway. I always went the speed limit. I would ask God to make it seem faster so I would enjoy it more. He definitely helped out there, but I guess it wasn't enough for me. I will admit, I like to pass people on the freeway. I like to go fast and get where I'm going without wasting a bunch of time doing it. Sadly though, my incres in speed spilled over into places other than the freeway. I got pulled over three times within the last six weeks. Most of you are probably thinking "you shoulda learned your lesson you bloomin' idiot" however the first two times I received no ticket. I was given mercy due to accidently breaking the speed limit in school zone when I though it was after five but it wasn't, and due to a super nice cop who mostly pulled me over for a license plate light out (which I fixed the next day). This morning however, I was going to the club. Much later than usual due to unavoidable circumstances, and I wasn't watching my speed as well as I should have been. There is a portion of road that is wide, and uncrouded. It is near the freeway and the speed is 25. I have a very difficult time following this and today I didn't even point one bit of attention. I was pulled over in the parking lot for going 40 in a 25. Its my first ticket so I can do driving school, but I can no longer say "I've never gotten a ticket". Maybe thats a good thing. Maybe God is breaking down my pride so that I don't have any self dependence. Fine with me, I just wish it didn't make me feel like a big steaming pile of dog crap.

Old visions vs. New Situations

Lately, I have been struggling with direction. I thought I new what my goals were a long time ago. Then God threw a wrench into the gears and everything changed. It was good and I was excited. Then things changed again, and again, and so on. So now that some time has gone by and I've grown older and more experienced in this thing called life, and now I have no specific goals. There is nothing I am holding onto that I'm expecting to carry me away. I had thought I knew what the next step was, but then I was informed that was not the direction of heading. I was also given the word "don't live on past words" which is terribly frustrating. At what point are we giving up on God's promises? Are we supposed to simply wait until they come to fruition? Are we supposed to move on with our lives hoping that we don't screw things up too badly? Its funny because these plans that seem to be poking their heads up into my life are the plans I had long ago, but they upset me. I'm not one to move on too easily once I've made up my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm open minded and flexible, but when it comes to major life decisions, I tend to ponder longer and longer before going any specific way and I tend to stay on that road. Now life has decided to split the road ahead.
HAHA! Now what are you going to do? Mr. Steady Plodder, Mr. Gonna Stick With It Until The End! You have to make a choice. You have to go one way or the other and neither of them is what is straight ahead in the distance. Good luck sucker!

So that is what is on my mind right now. Amongst other things. Mounds and mountains of other things.

Confessions/Goals

The awesome confessions and goals written by PrincessMama have inspired me to write some of my own. In the same way, I am not big on new years resolutions but maybe its time for a change. First up, some confessions.

I'm always worried that I'm going to be hungry later. I get into a habit of eating a ton of food so I won't be hungry later, but then the next time I eat, I still eat a lot because by that point my body needs a huge amount of food to feel satisfied. Granted, I need a lot of calories to because I burn a lot. I am just a big person and I am pretty active.
Also, as strange as it may sound, I eat to feel powerful. I eat food that I know is bad for me and I shouldn't eat because I know no one can stop me. I'm doing something "wrong" and I won't get in trouble for it because its my choice and its my decision. What a stupid attitude. So, in saying, here are some goals:

1. Lose 17 lbs by the end of February
2. Be able to run 2 miles at 8.5 miles an hour without stopping(treadmill)
3. Make sugar a once a week indulgment by end of January

Those are good enough health goals for now.